Oh My Rockness Email Introductions

We FADE UP on a young woman and man "rocking out" at a show. They appear to have done this many times before. We're not sure what band they are "rocking out" to, but it must be the likes of Dan Deacon, Wavves or Apes & Androids because they're dancing as if their Brooklyn butts depended on it. We can safely say it's definitely not a Loney, Dear show.

CUT TO: a shot of the same impossibly cool couple sleeping peacefully. The morning sun's rays peer gently through the cracks of their vinyl blinds. All is well in slumber land. CUT TO: close-up on an ominous brown closet door (no, make it a red door, red like blood) CUT TO: The rock couple blissfully sleeps on; his perfectly messed follicles subtly staining the pillowcase with Murray's hair pommade, her purple bandana serving as the perfect impromptu eye mask.

CUT TO: a dormant vacuum nestled in a forgotten corner of the closet buried beneath an old neon Night Ranger nightlight that was "just too kitschy to pass up." CUT TO: extreme close-up of the vacuum... suddenly its unnaturally bright light blazes on and an evil (but dusty) smile forms on the face of its canary yellow canister (FYI: it was the only color they had in stock). We suspect this vacuum is up to no good! CUT TO: exterior of the closet door as it gradually opens... the crazy vacuum emerges and about-faces directly in front of the sleeping rock couple's bedroom door.

CUT TO: close-up of six silver knives as they extend with a flash from the vacuum's grey plastic hose (normally the space reserved for under-the-couch-cushions cleaning attachments!) CUT TO: interior of bedroom as the crazy, demonic and demented vacuum slowly opens the door and rolls itself in, still sporting that sick suction grin. The vacuum leisurely twists a knob on its canister (using, um, its wheel!) to the "maximum cleaning" setting, flooding the room with overpowering, deafening white noise.

It's SO LOUD! But the couple won't wake up! Why, oh why, won't they wake up?! They could leap out the window or something before it's too late and they're cut like a paper snowflake! Are they dead?! No, they're not dead. They are perfectly healthy. They snooze, a foot away from an advancing sick and twisted vacuum armed with crazy cutlery because... because they didn't wear earplugs when they went to that rock show last night. And they weren't going to wear them when they checked out Beirut, Passion Pit, The Thermals and The Pains of Being Pure at Heart later this week. They don't hear the danger! If only they wore earplugs. If only they wore earplugs!

We FADE TO BLACK as the vacuum wheels itself menacingly towards the still sleeping rock couple. And we are left to chillingly ponder their poor fate. Will they be thoroughly cut up by this Samurai Samsung? Or will they just be thoroughly cleaned? For the average concert kit, both would be equally horrific. So don't let this happen to you. Wear earplugs at shows.